Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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