last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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