the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize