Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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