I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
