My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
