My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
how drunk are you?
Several
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
