I met the friendliest cop last night
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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