WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
