i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
