she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
