Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
