i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
