There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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