if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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