I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
