can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
