Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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