my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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