2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
