What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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