If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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