Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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