I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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