saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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