my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Found the puke drawer
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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