btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
