Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
