I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
