I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
