How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize