Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
