i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Randomize
