My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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