I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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