Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We need to get me chipped asap
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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