Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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