So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
