did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
