The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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