the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We left an ass print on the piano.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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