dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
