I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize