I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
