I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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