If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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