I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
bring money and cleavage
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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