hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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