totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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