If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
