I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
