I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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