Your face is a jimmy john
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
