The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
