she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
