i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
