once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
