remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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