If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
